We go in early March when the selection is good, the options plentiful. There are knitted, embroidered, and ruffled varieties. Vivid colors. And even some that aren't all about cleavage.
It is the first year of my almost 12 and 15-year old daughters’ lives that I’m not voicing my opinion about bathing suit selection. I’ve decided they need to choose what they put on their body and feel confident about it. At this age, more confidence comes from fitting in and looking normal than showing less skin. The only non-bikini options look like what we moms wear. I do not blame them.
In past years, they have been more modest, reluctant to show skin. Is this because the selection in the kid’s section was more varied, with cute tankinis and full pieces? Is it because I may or may not have mentioned bikinis look a lot like bras and panties?
This time, I’m silent. No comment, no judgement. It is their body and they will decide. I have named my self-contempt and withheld it from my girls (as a first). Though late in age, I am learning that my judgement is self-righteousness and stems from my own issues of shame. I do not want my story to be their story.
I want them to enjoy their own skin.
Both girls attend a school with a dress code and it has been the topic of many conversations this year. They feel that so much attention is placed on what girls should not wear that they have become objectified. The shoulder is scandalous! Kids can wear sloppy, baggy sweatshirts, but if a dressy top has cold shoulders, they are coded. They are smart, savvy. They know the hypocrisy is linked to the female body. They know it is related to sexual objectification.
There is such a fine line between healthy body talk and over doing it! We’ve had our fair share of body image, modesty, and respecting yourself discussions. I’m running the risk of over doing it. Time to let them decide. If they choose a bikini because it’s the only cool, cute option girls their age are wearing and stores are selling, is that immodesty? If they choose a full piece in this context, will it be any less about the objectification of their body?
As their mother, with my own story, I find myself constantly second guessing. How do I handle the fragility of the female self-image? If I compliment their flat tummies and slender frame, will they always measure themselves to the year they were “slim”? I still remember a comment made to me by a friend’s mom in high school… about my slender waist… 30 years later! If I do not comment at all on how good they look in their new suit, will they wonder? Try to hide? Throw off the wrap and within seconds jump in the pool?
We can talk about inner beauty all we want. I wrote a whole book about casting a vision to our girls of living a bigger story beyond their bodies, boys, and besties! I believe this is true. I also believe there is something to our outward beauty and sense of it that is spiritual. And uniquely feminine. I am learning.
Eve was made as the final crowning glory of creation, only after which God said, it is good. Is she the embodiment of God’s beauty? Is this why Satan goes after her? Lucifer, Angel of Light, the most beautiful angel of all, jealous? Threatened? Could this be why a woman’s beauty is assaulted relentlessly? Why little girls in preschool believe they’re fat? Why fifth graders believe their thighs are gross? Why young women cut, and indulge, and starve, and self-loathe? Why we moms crave compliments and yet secretly fear they’ll never come? Because we are the subjects of an endless, ruthless assault as the bearers of the very thing that most reflects God?
It is merely a shopping trip. Yet it all feels so huge. My girls’ sense of their own beauty and glory hangs in the balance and my fear of being conscripted by evil to play a part in an assault unnerves me. When it comes to the feminine and masculine, it is sacred. It is holy. It is never merely a shopping trip.